Living Breathing Being...
 

I remember one night, I was in such a bad space.

Each negative thought was a ladder deeper down into this pit, where I couldn’t see anything of value about myself to be proud of.

In that space I dwelled on all the painful things that had happened and all the stupid things I said and did, and felt like I should just stay hidden inside myself instead of taking up any more space out there in the world.

And at some point, I heard this kind voice, a voice I often hear deep inside myself, that comforts me when I’ve lost the ability to comfort myself.

And the voice said, "My dear, would you like to know the most warped thing I’ve ever seen?”

And I said, “What.”

And the voice said, "The image you have of your own self. You’re allowed to feel down. But please don't forget to separate your circumstances from the incredible living, breathing being that you are."

And those words elevated me. And I carry them with me now.

So if you’re feeling bad about yourself, please remember, the image of yourself that you’re imagining is you, is not at all a clear picture of what’s real.

What’s real is that who you are, is an incredible living breathing being, full of gifts to share.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
When the world is a brutal place...
 

This world can be a brutal place. Reaching out doesn’t have to be for getting support in the traditional sense of the word. Reaching out can be a way to access new perspectives that our minds haven’t thought of yet. Sending peace and love to whoever might need some.

 
Jessica Kane
Shoving too much under the rug...
 

Sometimes instead of dealing with my feelings, I push them under the rug to deal with later. But I’ve learned that this is never a good idea. Because new feelings keep coming and next thing I know, I’ve got a mountain of unfelt feelings that I don’t know how to sort through.

I used to feel so resentful of all the people who never checked in with me about my feelings, until it occurred to me that I actually never checked in with myself about these feelings.

I’m still not the best at feeling my feelings, but I try to make a practice at night after everyone’s gone to bed, to take inventory of all this stuff inside me. And I listen to what it has to share instead of pushing it all under the rug.

It’s a good way to remind myself that I’m actually someone I can count on to be here for me. And it makes being in the world a lot easier.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
Self portrait of me and my son...
 

How it sometimes feels on my parenting journey:

Trying to find access to resources that are a match for my son, trying to find spaces where he can be himself and create projects based on his own interests with like-minded kids. And in the meantime, doing the best we can with the resources we’ve got.

 
Jessica Kane
Stuck...
 

 
 

Sometimes when we get stuck in the box of our perceived limitations, instead of dismantling the box, we try to make the box more comfortable.

But instead of settling, we can find the courage to step out into the limitless space of what’s possible for ourselves and discover new ways of being in the world.

 
Jessica Kane
Feelings Are Meant To Be Felt
 

An illustration inspired by a memory I had from when I was little...

My mother used to say she never let me be angry. And I understood why. She grew up with such a mean, harsh mother, she needed me to be happy. And I obliged as best as I could. I wanted her love and learned to be a perfect accessory—I glittered and sparkled and shined.

But underneath all the right things I learned to say were my feelings. Even angry feelings. But because I knew my anger wasn’t wanted, it came out secretly, through hurting myself.

It took me decades to understand that anger isn’t a bad word. That my angry feelings just needed to be felt and understood. That anger has good things to share, like what feels ok and what doesn’t.

And now that I have a child of my own, I make sure to pause when he’s angry, because I know I’m wired to try to fix his anger. So I pause and I tell him that his feelings are important to feel. That they have important messages to share. And that if he would like to share what his anger feels like, I’m here to listen.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
Whac-A-Mole
 

It can be a scary thing to emerge from the safety of ourselves, but forcing ourselves to stay stuck is unnecessary. There’s enough space in this world for everyone to get to be who they want to be.

 
Jessica Kane
Dry Wells...
 

Sometimes I find myself trying to get water from a dry well and then cursing the well. In the moment, it doesn’t occur to me to find a new source of abundance elsewhere. And even when it does occur to me, it seems impossible to know where to find it.

But sometimes, abundance doesn’t come from one particular source. Sometimes it’s found in movement. Just the act of moving my body from
the space I’m in to a new space gets things flowing.

Doesn’t even matter for how long or where—an hour or permanently, across the house or across the globe. Knowing that we can give ourselves the gift of abundance just by moving our bodies can keep us from feeling hopelessly stuck and longing for something more.

Of course, getting up and taking ourselves somewhere new, even if it’s just across our house, can be extremely challenging for some of us. But whenever I pry myself away from the dry wells in my life, I never regret it.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
My Shadow
 

My Shadow

If you see me out and about, please be careful not to step on my shadow because it gets hurt easily and it’s very tired of being walked over again and again.

-JLK

(From Feed It to the Worms, a collection of very short stories for small children.)

 
Jessica Kane
The Spring at the Bottom of the Well
 

Once there was a land where the gravity was extra strong. I mean, it really pulled people down. Not politely, but without warning.

People would be going along with their day, feeling a little better than ok. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, this gravity would hit and pull them down hard.

And they’d have to fight with all their might to resist this force so as not to get pulled down too far and wind up in some awful unknown place they’d never be able to escape from.

Well, over time, the people got sick and tired of this gravity, for always interrupting their dinner dates and their good night’s sleep and all the other things they felt so inspired to do.

And so the people, heartbroken and frustrated, decided that this constant getting dragged down against their will had to stop.

“It’s become too big of a problem,” they all agreed. “We simply cannot allow this gravity to continue!”

“Down with gravity!” one man shouted. And everyone in all of the land cheered.

So, it was decided. A team of several energetic people got together, and rather quickly, came up with a concrete plan to defy this meddlesome gravity once and for all.

They created what became known as The Community Line. Which consisted of concrete poles threaded with suspension wires placed strategically all over the place. And with wires secured to harnesses around everyone’s waist, people were able to hook into these lines and defy gravity.

And it worked!

People woke up in the morning and they hooked themselves into the community line, and once they were secured, they went on with their day. And every time gravity tried pulling them down, they’d laugh defiantly, “Ha! Can’t pull me down now, can you?! Not today!”

But in time, some of the people developed another problem. Being hooked into the community line day in and day out was kind of boring.

And even though they could travel pretty far and even vacation to luxurious places on the community line, it always kind of felt like more of the same, predictable stuff.

And some people began to privately long for what life used to be like outside the community line.

And one day, one particularly bored and curious young woman decided to ask around and find out what exactly did exist outside of the community line.

Unfortunately, everyone she asked was more than a bit perturbed by her question.

“Who cares what’s out there! You should just be lucky to have a community line!”

“What’s out there, you ask? Only a reckless irresponsible person would dare find out.”

“If you’re foolhardy enough to unhook and get pulled down, don’t expect us to come rescue you!”

But the next morning, the girl’s curiosity got the best of her. And she did it. She simply had to find out for herself. So, she unhooked herself from the community line and began taking steps on her own.

Oh, was it exhilarating!

She decided to venture off the town paths and over to those parts she’d never heard about. And it was magnificent!

Off the path were dirt roads with bright green unmowed grasses on either side and giant trees and butterflies and birds and chipmunks…!

But right as she became so happy—skipping and even humming—gravity struck. And it began pulling her down.

She panicked at first. “Maybe I shouldn’t have unhooked from the community line. What if they were right and I get stuck down here and no one will know and no one will ever find me!”

But then she had an idea—maybe I should just see where the gravity takes me!

So she let the gravity pull her down. And down. And into what looked like a dark well. But the funny thing was, when she stopped resisting, she realized that gravity was actually trying to show her things.

There was sadness down there that she’d never felt and she was able to give it a hug.

There was anger down there and she asked it what was wrong and then listened to find out.

There was fear down there and she asked what was so scary and they fact-checked it together until they both realized it wasn’t actually scary at all.

But as she headed to the very bottom of where gravity pulled her, she suddenly noticed something… Something she was about to crash into!

And she braced herself for the worst kind of pain.

But then, something unexpected happened.

It was a spring! And once she landed, she immediately bounced right off the spring! Not in a violent or rough way, but in an oh so gentle and effortless way.

And there she was—defying gravity!

Soaring up up up past all those feelings and sensations until she was back where she was before—among the trees and flowers and birds, only they seemed even more miraculous!

“That was very strange,” the girl said out loud. “And fantastic!”

She decided to keep walking. But this time, she hoped gravity would pull her down again, because she was so curious what would happen next.

It took a little while, but sure enough, gravity came for her again.

Only this time, she didn’t resist at all!

She passed some sadness, but this time the sadness seemed so happy to see her that it gave her a hug!

Then she passed anger who perked right up when she asked how it was feeling.

And then she passed fear who was so happy to report that all those scary things had stayed not scary.

And then, she saw it—! The spring! And knowing she wasn’t going to crash, she waited for her toes to make contact and sure enough, she soared gently upwards upwards and upwards with the biggest smile on her face.

Once back in familiar territory, she decided she had to go tell everyone what happened. She had to let them know that they didn’t need to stay hooked up to the community lines to keep gravity from pulling them down. That gravity wasn’t a bad thing! It had important things to show us!

Oh, she couldn’t wait to tell everybody about the spring at the bottom of the well!

The young woman ran into town. Or, maybe it would be more accurate to say she danced into town, so joyful to share her good news! Only, when she did, the people were a lot less receptive than she thought they’d be.

“Cutting yourself off from the community line? Are you that ignorant?”

“Not to mention arrogant!”

“If you breathe a word of this to my kids, I’ll have you arrested!”

“You know, a lot of people work their whole lives to maintain these community lines. Maybe you ought to show some gratitude!”

No matter how hard the young woman tried explaining what she’d discovered, the people refused to listen.

“It’s so strange,” the young woman thought. “No one wants to unhook to even consider that it could be true, the there’s this spring at the bottom of the well.”

And in her despair, gravity began to descend.

And she felt so disappointed, she didn’t even feel excited about seeing the spring anymore. So she just hooked herself back into the community line and went to the community park and sat down on a community bench.

“Maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s not so bad here. Why need to go mess things up.”

But then, she noticed a mom and her little kid in the distance… Not hooked up to the community line!

“What in the world?”

And so she unhooked herself and ran over to get a closer look.

“Hello?”

“Well, hello!” said the mother.

The young woman could see now that the woman was with her daughter who couldn’t have been more than 6.

“You’re unhooked?!”

Yeah, my daughter hates the hook. For years, she just screamed and cried and kept figuring out how to unhook herself. It was a daily battle. I even bought these special childproof locks, but then she got so depressed… The community line definitely wasn’t protecting her from any gravity, but no one understood. So finally, one day, I unhooked her. And I just sat and cried and cried, feeling like such a failure. And my daughter rubbed my arm and said, “That’s good mommy. Crying is good.”

And I said, “It is?”

And she said, “Yes! That’s how you get to the spring at the bottom of the well!”

The young women had shivers hearing this story.

“So… you’ve been to the spring?”

“Oh yes, ever since my daughter showed me how to get there, we go often. It’s changed my life.“

“You’ve been to the spring?” the little girl asked the young woman, with such curious big brown eyes.

“Yes! I have!”

“It’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

“It is,” the young woman agreed.

“You know,” the little girl said. “Most people think that gravity pulls you down, but really that’s just how gravity sends you an invitation to the only place that can send you soaring higher than you’ve ever been!!”

“You’re pretty smart!” said the young woman.

“Thank you!”

“But I told so many people about the spring, and no one cares.”

“I understand,” said the mother. “My daughter tells people about it everyday and they just smile and laugh. It’s an odd thing. But I stopped trying to get anyone to care. Not everyone needs to unhook from the community line and go to the spring, you know. But it’s available to anyone who wants to take the journey.”

And from that moment on, the young woman visited the spring every day. And she didn’t need to convince anyone to take off their harness and unhook from the community line.

There was nothing wrong with the community line. It served an important purpose. Even for her. But so did the spring at the bottom of the well. And she felt grateful to be able to visit. And grateful to bring some of that spring back with her to share with anyone who might need it.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
Falling Leaves
 

Once there was a girl who was feeling really sad. She’d been sitting on a bench and couldn’t find any reason to get up. In fact, she knew if she got up, she would only find more sadness, so she just stayed put.

Then, one afternoon, during a big yawn, she noticed something floating in the sky. A ribbon? Something purple, or maybe even gold… and shiny... What in the world?

She couldn’t take her eyes off of it. Oh, the way it danced—so magnificent—as if it were performing on the greatest stage in all the land.

As she watched this ribbon, she noticed it was twirling in the air closer and closer. Then, the ribbon did something miraculous—it floated down and landed right in her lap. And when she touched it, she couldn’t believe how soft it was—as if made of the finest silk.

Oh, was she excited! As if witnessing a miracle! Like a pet that had chosen her! Her, of all undeserving people! She felt so grateful, and she closed her eyes and thanked it for choosing her.

After that moment, the girl felt happy enough to leave her bench. She took the ribbon on walks. Held it during tea. Even slept with it around her wrist in bed. So long as she had her magic ribbon, all was ok in the world. She felt safe, special, and happy.

Then one day she, she was strolling through the park when she noticed something else in the sky. It was only for the most brief instant, but the moment she tried to see what it was, she loosened her grip from her ribbon just as a wind began to blow, and after the ribbon fell to the ground, it began to twirl and blow away.

The girl panicked, running after the ribbon and apologizing. “Please don't go! I shouldn’t have stopped to look at anything other than you! You, are all I need!”

The girl continued to chase her beloved ribbon, but it was already twirling too high to reach.

The girl then tried climbing a nearby tree to see if she could catch it, but she lost her grip on a branch and fell to the ground, skinning her knee.

On the ground, she cried. Not because of her bloodied knee, but because she knew it had been too good to be true. Of course the only good thing to happen to her would disappear from her grasp, just like everything else always did. “Who am I, after all, but no one. Deserving of nothing.”

The girl decided it was more sensible to return to her bench. And there, she stayed.

A few days later, an older man wearing a brown fedora walking two little furry white dogs sat down on the bench next to hers. The man noticed the sad girl crying on and off. And so he decided to say something.

“You seem awfully sad,” he said softly. “Did you lose someone or something special?”

The girl nodded, too upset to share any of the details.

“I’m sorry. I understand. I lost something special recently, too.”

The girl looked up at him, curious.

“My dog passed. He was my best friend for 19 years. He got me through my wife’s passing. Never left my side. And then one morning, he didn’t wake up.”

“I’m so sorry,” the girl said.

“Thank you. You know, after he passed, I used to come to this bench and all I could think about, and all I could see, was what was missing. My wife. My sweet dog, Charlie. I was hurting a lot. And then one day, I saw a dog. Across the park. Without an owner.

“At first, I didn’t get up. I figured his owner was probably nearby. But no owner ever showed up. My hips were hurting that day, so I decided to whistle. And sure enough, that dog came running.

“He was dirty but full of life and love. He kept nuzzling against my leg and I wondered if I still had some treats in my jacket pocket, and lo and behold, I did. So I gave him a few treats and he wouldn’t leave my side. He didn’t have a collar. And when I got up to walk home, the dog followed.

“I wound up bringing him in and that dog wouldn’t leave my side. Oh, my mind came up with all sorts of conclusions: This was my dog, reincarnated, coming back. This dog was sent by my wife. This dog was meant for me.

“But of course, after I posted that I’d found him in all the community threads, his owner contacted me, so grateful. Explaining that the landscaper had forgotten to close the gate.

“At first, I was really sad. But then I told myself I’d better get used to it. That loss was inevitable from here on out. And that there probably wouldn’t be much to gain in the little future I had left.”

The girl didn’t know what to say. Except that she somehow related a bit to what he was talking about.

“The following day,” the man continued. “I decided to go to the park. It was a beautiful day. Even in my misery, I figured I’d take a brief walk. Why not. And I stopped to rest on a bench, when a few moments later, a man sat down on the bench next to mine with a couple small dogs.

“I still had some treats in my pocket, so I asked the man if I could give a few to his dogs. The man nodded, too busy on his phone to care, and the dogs took a liking to me. I mean, a real liking to me. They both had their noses resting on my knees just staring up at me. I had to laugh. ‘You have two wonderful dogs,’ I said to the man.

‘They were my mother’s. She just passed.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ I told him.

‘We have a 10yo daughter with a dog allergy, so I’m trying to find them a home where they can stay together,’ he said.

And without hesitation, I said, ‘I would be glad to adopt them both.’

“You should have seen that man. He stood up and stared up at the blue sky, clasping his hands together. He couldn’t get over the timing. He really thought it was a miracle.”

“Wow,” said the girl. “Well, it kind of was, if you think about it. And are these those dogs?”

“They are indeed,” the man said, petting their heads. “That was six months ago. And I learned something very important. After my dog passed, I was sure nothing good would ever cross my path again. But good things are always blowing in. They just might look different from what you think you should be looking for. So that’s why you’ve always got to stay alert. You have to take a break from your sadness sometimes to look around to notice what might have entered your space. That way, you can connect with it and see where it leads.

“You’ve got to be a different kind of treasure hunter. Not just to keep finding what’s missing and what’s wrong, but to discover what’s new and what’s full of possibility.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” the girl said, wiping off a tear.

“You’re more than welcome. I had a feeling it was something you needed to hear.”

The girl nodded. He was right. Something about what he’d said made a lot of sense.

And so she decided to take a break from her sadness to pay attention to what else was happening. And right then, a red leaf fell beside her on the bench. She looked at it and smiled.

“Red leaves. Aren’t they beautiful?” the man asked calmly.

“Yeah,” the girl smiled.

“The process of things changing, turning from one thing to another. All the cycles, phases and stages life goes through. Not just ours. But all of life... It really is an unfathomable mystery.”

“That’s very true,” the girl said.

The girl then carefully placed the red leaf between the pages of her journal. This time, not because she believed the leaf was going to keep her happy. But as a reminder of what the man had shared—that all of life is constantly entering a different cycle, phase and stage. And yes, there is sadness. Lots of sadness. But also beauty. And so many other things, too.

We can play favorites and have loyalties to just one experience. But, if we can pay attention and begin to let in more of what’s also happening right now, we open the space of our awareness to embrace more of life. And all of life has something to offer.

All these ingredients together are exactly the things we need as we travel to our next chapters.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
When My Ancestors Are Proud...
 

Every once in a while, I feel myself shedding my old beliefs and feeling lighter.

And I imagine the generations of women who came before me, who suffered so greatly and never got to taste the freedom of who they were without all those restrictions their circumstances placed upon them.

After my mother passed, I heard her voice so clearly, so urgently wanting me to understand all the things she was mistaken about so that I could make sure not to repeat any of them.

And the dialogues we had opened my mind to the possibility that life really is about shedding all that doesn’t serve our ultimate purpose--to expand and to understand and to contribute the best versions of who we are.

And that if we can't quite complete this mission here on Earth, there is still a window of opportunity after we shed the weight of our bodies to see clearly and to share our clarity through connecting with our loved ones, if they're in a position to hear.

-JLK

 
Jessica Kane
My Villageless Family Album
 

I made this half-amused, but also in mourning for those of us doing the best we can compensating for the village we long for but haven’t yet found.

 
Jessica Kane