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Thoughts about what love is...

If you grew up in a toxic household (even if the people who were toxic to you aren’t able to agree that they were) you may not understand what love looks or sounds like.

You know what it’s not: It’s not being controlled or criticized, demeaned or dismissed, punished or shamed.

You know it’s not tough love or getting gold stars for your elbow grease that you may have suffered greatly to produce.

And you know it’s not even being fed or clothed or roofed over your head.

You might think that maybe love is a tone of niceness instead of a tone that yells.

Or a word called love instead of a word that stings.

But to me, love is time spent making an effort to understand someone.

Love is making the effort to make sure another person knows that their perspective is not a waste of time, but that it matters and is valuable, even when it’s different than mine.

And love is also making the effort to share my own perspective, to also be understood, to also matter, so that we can have a meaningful connection based on what’s real for us both.

The flow of communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand between two people, to me, is love. No matter if the flow is free and easy, or if takes a bit longer for two filters to unclog from all the times we felt so stuck inside ourselves, and so hurt by all the people who never seemed to care.

-JLK

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Even when you're feeling invisible in the algorithm of life, remember that's because you're still hoping for others to see you and acknowledge all that you have to offer, when in fact, you already know who you are and all you have to offer.

Your job is now to look around and see where you’re needed, what spaces are waiting for you to decorate them with the most beautiful parts of yourself.

-JLK

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Whenever I go into a space, I like to imagine it’s a giant pot and everyone who enters gets to add an ingredient.

Some people add sugar,

Some add salt,

Some add spice,

Some add flour,

Some add water,

Some add the cabbage,

Some add the garnish,

And some add a little bit of soap.

Maybe if we realized that we all get to choose which ingredients to be, we’d all give each other a more digestible experience.

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A metaphor for understanding blindspots…

I am very nearsighted. And when I’m home, I hate wearing my glasses. They’re uncomfortable and they don’t work well for the work I do, which is mostly looking at stuff close-up.

But even though I’m aware that I don’t wear my glasses and can’t see well, I still judge the cleanliness of my house based on what I see without my glasses.

When a person comes over with their glasses on, or with vision that works well to see far, they can see that my house isn’t as clean as I imagine it is.

I, however, don’t realize that they can see what I don’t see.

And if, out of kindness, they say to me, “Hey, need help with the housework?”

At first I might be like, “What do you mean, I just cleaned this morning?!”

If I know them well, they might smile and say, “Are you wearing your contacts?”

At which point I might grab my glasses and feel that uncomfortable blush-inducing feeling: “Oh my god, you saw something about myself and my life that I didn’t see!? I’m mortified!!!”

But, if the person has some good communication skills based in empathy, they might laugh and say, “That’s so hysterical! You ought to write something about this!”

And with this, I don’t feel the need to defend myself or feel bad anymore, bc they’ve created me as still having skills in addition to the blindspots I didn’t know I had.

With good communication skills and empathy, we can point out each other’s blindspots from a space of being each other’s champions, as people who genuinely want each other to thrive in full awareness.

-JLK

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I often teeter between “I got this” and “I need help.” But bc I’ve been sold this idea that mental health is feeling like “I’ve got this” all the time, teetering like I do can give me the impression that there’s something wrong with me.

But what I’m noticing is that life is always moving, always teetering and tottering.

At 2pm I might be anchored to my values and have everything I need. But at 2:40, I might slip into a portal to my past or some unknown future and need a lot of support.

And for all I know, it’s the same with the people around me. Which says to me, maybe instead of judging myself or anyone else, that I be on call to bend a bit as needed—to offer my support if I’m in a position to give it, or offer my empathy if I’m in the same boat.

And when I do find myself balanced on the fulcrum of my awareness—appreciating all that’s working right now and getting support with the things that aren’t—I can smile and nod at the great movement of life, knowing it will soon have me teetering and tottering once again.

-JLK

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Once there was a little boy who asked a little girl if she wanted to play, but the little girl said, “No,” and the little boy’s feelings got hurt.

A few minutes later, another little boy asked him to play, but because his feelings were still hurt, he didn’t even hear the question, and so this other little boy got upset and yelled, “Well, fine then. I don’t want to play with you either!”

A little while later, another little girl asked the angry little boy to play, but all he could say was, “Go away,” because his feelings were still hurt, and the little girl started to cry.

Then another girl walked over to comfort her, but she was so afraid this new girl was going to be mean that she cried for her mommy, and this new girl got upset.

Then, a little boy asked this upset little girl if she wanted to play and she thought about it and said, “No,” because she was afraid she might have misunderstood the question. And so on and so forth until every little boy and every little girl in the whole wide world was upset.

Eventually, a new little girl arrived at the playground and noticed a sad little boy all alone. The little girl asked if he wanted to play, but the boy shook his head no, because his feelings had just been hurt by someone else.

But instead of getting upset, this little girl decided to do something different. She asked him a question. “Is there something wrong?” she asked the boy. “Are you upset? You look upset.”

And the little boy nodded yes.

And so she asked, “Do you need a friend?”

And the little boy nodded yes again.

And so they played and played until some other boys and girls asked if they could play too. And they said, “Yes, of course you can!”

And pretty soon every boy and every girl in the whole wide world were playing together again.

The End.

-JLK

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Sometimes life seems like a Petri dish—all these reactions from so many of our ingredients brewing at the same time in the same space, reacting differently under various degrees of pressure, while toxic elements out of our control keep blowing in.

But instead of taking all this stuff personally, I’ve been trying to see myself as a chemist—
to take a look at all these ingredients, figure out what new ingredients I could add to create a less volatile environment, how to lower the pressure, and how to make sure I’ve got a decent filter in place to keep so many contaminants from getting in the mix.

-JLK

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My mommy told me NOT to climb the Titan Tree. If you have never heard of the Titan Tree, I’m going to tell you what it is. It’s the biggest tree in the known universe. It stretches from Planet Earth all the way up to Titan. And it has a red caution ribbon around it with signs all over that say DO NOT ENTER! DANGER! But I really needed to climb the Titan Tree. Sometimes I’m in control of my brain and other times, I am not. This was one of those times I was not.

            So I started to climb the tree. I passed squirrels and bird nests and then my head went through a cloud and almost knocked into a star. Then, I was too high for my own good and I started to cry. I could see the earth. I could see the blue and the green but I could not see my house or my mommy and this made me the most sad and the most scared I’d ever been.

            Thank goodness my phone had a signal. So I called my mother and she was more than stern when I told her where I was. I have never heard my mother so upset. In fact she was so angry that her legs started to shake and grow bark. Right there on the sidewalk they turned into tree trunks that grew bigger and bigger while she was roaring into the phone about how angry she was. And in a matter of minutes, she and I were face to face at the tippy top of the Titan Tree.

            Her face was made of birch and her arms were the longest branches and her mouth was so scary I hid behind her leaves. And then she grabbed me. I didn’t know what she was going to do. Thank goodness she hugged me. Hugged me so close to her chest I could barely breath. I was crying, “I’m sorry, Mommy, I shouldn’t have climbed the Titan Tree.” And she was crying too. “I love you so much, but when are you going to start listening to me? When?” “Right now,” I said. “Like the last right now?” “No,” I said, “Like this new right now.” And I hugged her back as tight as I could and we started shrinking down down down through outer space till we were back on the sidewalk again, like regular people.

            And then my mommy took a deep breath. “How about we get some ice cream?” she said. And I said, “That sounds nice, Mommy.” And so we did. And we had a nice rest of the day.

The End.

-JLK

(This story is part of my collection of short stories for small children, Feed It to the Worms.)

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When my son was four, he kept telling me he had an imaginary friend named Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba, and when I looked it up, I found out it means love. This story is from my book, Feed It to the Worms, a collection of very short stories for small children.

The Biggest Beach Towel

I know a boy named Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba. And one day, he and his mama went to the beach and sat next to another mama and her boy.

And Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba noticed that the boy’s towel had some letters on it. And so he asked the boy, “Excuse me, but what does your towel say?” And the boy said, “It spells my name. Max.”

And Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba couldn’t believe it. “Wow,” he said. “I didn’t know towels could say your name on them!”

So he asked his mama, “Mama, can I have a towel that says my name on it?” And because his Mama always gave him everything he wanted, she said, “Why of course you can!”

And so later that day, his mama called the personalized towel factory and ordered her son a towel. “Wow, that’s a mouthful,” the man told her. “Give us a couple months.”

And a couple months later, a giant box was waiting for him on his stoop. Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba Mahabba was so excited.

He and his mama took the towel right to the beach. And as soon as he got there, he ran over to Max and waited for his Mama, who was lagging a bit behind because she needed a hand truck to carry the thing.

And after they unfurled this gigantic towel, every child at the beach ran over because they’d never seen such a giant towel.

In fact, it was so big that every boy and girl at the entire beach could play on it. And so they did. And everyone had the best day they ever had.

The End.

-JLK

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I don't consider myself moody.
I simply experience all four seasons every month.
Knowing this, there's no need to force myself to grow and blossom on those days that feel cold and harsh. I can allow myself to stay dormant and conserve every drop of my life force, knowing that mild weather will return.

-JLK