The reason telling someone to ‘suck it up’ isn’t a good long-term solution is because sucking up an upset that’s trying to be released only sucks it back to where it came from until the next upset, when it erupts again, only more upset than it was before.
Instead of teaching our kids to suck up their upsets, maybe we can ask ourselves if this is something we’re teaching our kids bc it’s what we were taught.
And if we are carrying around decades of upsets,
we can ask ourselves… are we comfortable? Are we doing ourselves a favor by carrying all this stuff around? Would it feel better to let some of this shit go, if we had a safe place to do so?
I don’t know about you, but I grew up under the impression that my feelings were a complete waste of everyone’s time. I got eye rolls and looks at the clock and, “Come on, are you really gonna make this all about you? That’s really selfish.”
I grew up with the clear message that my upsets were not only unimportant but unsightly and worthy of contempt. Something others clearly didn’t want around.
So I sucked them up like the garbage I figured they were and I felt them grow into the kind of anxiety that kept me company every moment of the day.
And then I had a son. A son with feelings of his own. And when he got upset, I would get so scared that people would be harsh with him and withhold their love, and I would immediately try to protect him from these other people’s wrath by helping him get over his upsets in the least obtrusive, quickest way possible.
I never actually used the expression ‘suck it up,’ but what I did came from the same place—I just dressed up my discomfort with my son’s upset feelings into ‘helpful negotiations’ and ways to help him reframe his upsets before he was ready to, before he even had a chance to be with his upset feelings.
It took me awhile to notice that his anxiety was growing. And I began to realize that my approach wasn’t the best idea.
It took me awhile to realize that what his upsets needed was an invitation to be upset. And I began to realize that his upset feelings weren’t scary. They were just upsets. And they only got bigger when he got the impression that they weren’t wanted.
Our feelings are important. Really important. Not just to keep to ourselves, but to be shared with others.
Feelings are how we get to understand ourselves and each other better. And they’re worth investing in, bc feelings are the ingredients that grow connections. And connections are the ingredients that grow relationships where safety and fulfillment are priorities.
So if we want to role model another way for our kids to handle their upsets than to suck it up, then we have to figure out what to do with our own.
There are so many ways we can release our own upsets. My favorite way is simply by telling the story of what happened, or by writing a letter about the upset. But a person could go to therapy, make a painting, dance, sing, make a video game, or just sit with the upset for as long as it takes until it turns into something else.
Whatever way we can think of that feels natural, so that the upset feelings get to be expressed authentically, heard, validated, understood and ultimately transformed into something that makes the upset person feel safe, known and fulfilled.
-JLK
