I made up a word—Lessergized: When you get a momentary boost from connecting with someone by pretending you’re less than you are.
I thought of the word because this used to happen to me a lot. And sometimes, when I’m tired or feeling vulnerable, it still happens, though mostly when I'm talking with someone from my family of origin.
It happens when they kind of criticize something about my life without really meaning to criticize it.
Maybe they just can't understand the context of my life, but they feel like they want to make a difference in it, because not understanding to them, means there must be something wrong, which to them means an opportunity to offer some guidance.
But instead of explaining my truth in response to this unasked for out-of-context guidance, I get a boost of connection, because—how nice that they even have a moment to talk with me!
And I just kind of thank them for their wisdom because I do feel a connection with them, even though their 'wisdom' has next to nothing to do with my existence.
And though I could have used my voice to share my truth with them, so they'd get to know more about what’s real for me, I chose instead to lessergize myself.
I think it comes from the longing to connect deeply with people, but fearing at the same time that who I really am will be criticized or dismissed, instead of received.
It’s the result of that old shaky foundation that so many of us were built on—those of us who weren’t fortified with validation in our developmental years.
Those of us who missed the milestone of internalizing that gift of validation, and so we continued looking for it, without realizing that the job to validate ourselves was going to be ours alone.
There’s a mourning that comes with this truth, before it’s worn like a privilege.
It took me until I had a child, and saw those little eyes looking for me to create who he was, before I truly got that I had the strength to do this for us both.
These days, when I have a moment of pretending and people pleasing, it feels like a crack in my self-built foundation.
I can literally feel my sense of myself trickling out.
Because pretending and people-pleasing is fear-based instead of values-based. And my foundation was self-created through values I chose myself.
Still, I try not to punish myself when it happens, but to repair by lifting myself up and reminding myself that central to my values is compassion—for myself and others. My body is a punishment-free zone.
My self-built foundation is pretty strong these days.
Strong enough to carry all my weight pretty comfortably—my mistakes and my victories—without it all feeling like an overwhelming burden.
These days, instead of worrying so much how I’ll be received, and laboring to figure out the most digestible way to express myself, I try to remember to spend that energy figuring out what’s real for me, so that when I do share myself, I know I’m being the most authentic version of myself.
And that way, if someone doesn’t receive me, or appreciate what I’ve communicated, I know it’s out of my hands, because there’s really no one else I can be, but me.
And if someone should receive me, and tell me I’m having a blind spot, instead of feeling shamed, I can thank them for giving me the opportunity to see something new I hadn’t noticed before.
The goal is not to be perfect. Just to be the best version of who I am, as often as I’m able to, no matter who it is I’m speaking to, including myself.
-JLK
