“I have been feeling "under attack" by my manager. I have worked with him for 3 years. And only felt this in the last 2 months.
He always said my work was outstanding. And all in a sudden I felt he was critiquing me left and right.
He gave me a list to fix, I did it and then he would point on a different things. Like no ending.
I realized my ego is being triggered. Me being a
perfectionist. Hardworking and proactive worker
But I also feel he is being unreasonable.
He told me a few times my salary is higher than his.
I know he is hoping for a promotion but his boss left so looks like that is not happening.
I like him as a manager. Have been for 3 yrs. But this is driving me crazy.
So I would argue with him and that doesn't make me happy. It longer a good relationship.
Pls help me see a different perspective.”
—Anonymous
Reframe:
That is so difficult! Especially the strangeness of him being one way for so long and then suddenly, out of nowhere, being different. I would be triggered too, as well as confused!
In this sort of situation, at least in my experience, I’d send a email. And I’d bring up my thoughts and feelings in a way so that my most healed parts were leading the conversation.
To prep for this sort of communication, what I would do first, is I’d find out what I’ve been making his behavior mean about me.
Bc in reality, his behavior is what it is. It doesn’t mean anything about me, unless I internalize it.
Yes, behavior makes a huge impact and it can be toxic, but, the question that I always ask myself is: “What am I making his unhealed behavior mean about me?” (And I call it unhealed behavior bc when someone is leading with their healed parts, they make an effort to consider how their behavior lands and they check in with the person and give them a safe space to communicate-to-be-understood—to share their perspective and what needs they have that are important to them, followed by a commitment to meet those needs as best as possible.)
Inevitably, when I answer this question: “What am I making this person’s unhealed behavior mean about me?” a memory surfaces from my past. Or many memories.
Times I’ve been completely skipped over for the good work I’ve done. Times I’ve been reprimanded completely out of nowhere and out of context for something that I don’t believe I’ve even done. And all the times someone else’s reactive behavior has come at me out of nowhere and made me feel like crap, all while the person avoids or doesn’t even seem to realize or care that anything upsetting has even happened!
Those zingers stay with me. And they reverberate every time I find myself in a similar situation.
Now that I’ve been healing, I can juggle the impact of someone’s reactive behavior while also getting that the other person’s behavior is a reflection of them, not me. And even if I don’t care much for the person’s behavior, I can still be curious, especially if I know I have to spend time with them in some capacity.
I really do believe that communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand has the potential of getting weirdness and even toxicity out of the way so that a connection based on mutual understanding can emerge.
So, after I’m done taking inventory of the origins of my collection of zingers, then I can feel more neutral about this current person’s behavior, bc for all I know, he may be operating through blind spots and unhealed parts of himself that he doesn’t realize he has.
And then I’d write something like:
“I’d like to share some things I’ve been noticing, bc I value our work space.
Something has seemed off lately. And it’s been impacting my work experience.
I’ve enjoyed working with you the past few years, but I’ve noticed over the past couple months, you’ve seemed unhappy with my performance, and this has confused me.
I take a lot of pride in my work and I feel confident in my skills. And bc I care about our work environment and the investment I’ve made for so long, I’d like to understand where you’re coming from, so that I’m clear about what your experience has been these past couple months.
I’m hoping you’ll be willing to share what’s been going on in greater detail, and I hope we can resolve this going forward in a way that works for us both.
I value your listening. And I’m available to listen as well.
Thank you.”
Of course, I have no idea the context of your work experience, but I thought I’d give it a shot. Hopefully others with more similar experience will comment below!
I hope so much that this situation resolves bc you deserve a space where you are honored and appreciated and listened to. And if this person is unhealed to the point where he’s unwilling to get into your world, I hope that a new opportunity opens up ASAP so that you can find an environment that’s a match for the amazing person that you are.