“I don’t like leaving my house anymore if I don’t have to. On my days off work, I will even have groceries delivered so I don’t have to go anywhere and I do all my other shopping online. I am either at work, or I’m at home resting on the couch and rarely do anything else. I just like to relax at home with my dogs. I feel a little bad about this too. I used to like going out and doing things. I have 3 school aged kids and often have days off through the school week. What should I do?”
—Anonymous
Reframe:
From what I’ve noticed, there are people who subscribe to the belief that staying in one’s home is a sign of something wrong. And there are other people who powerfully say things like: “What I wouldn’t do to be able to stay in my fucking house and avoid this chaotic and toxic world!” And of course, there are people who do a bit of both.
When I listen to your words, I hear an underlying presence of, “I’m supposed to do such and such thing and I’m not doing such and such thing.”
So my question for you is, Why are you home? Are you healing from a lifetime of stress? Are you someone who notices everything around them and within them until it all becomes too damn overwhelming? Have you created an oasis in your home that finally feels stress-free? Do you need some respite and alone time from the world and all its expectations?
Some people, myself included, have difficulty making choices in general, bc we’re not sure which is the “right” choice to make.
We might run the question, “Should I stay home or should I leave?” through multiple lenses to try and imagine what other people might do—maybe the authoritarian people from our pasts, or people we admire or people we respect.
And maybe we see the validity of ALL these people’s choices, but we still feel stuck, bc we still can’t decide which one would be the best choice for us.
I remember once reading a story about a young man and his spiritual teacher. I can’t remember any of the details, so I’m going to really paraphrase here…
So one afternoon, this spiritual teacher gave his young student an assignment:
“Find the right spot for yourself in this room,” he instructed.
“Find the right spot? You mean, where I’m supposed to be? In this room?” the student asked.
“Yep.”
So, the young man began trying to find this right spot.
He sat in one spot in the room, but it didn’t feel right. Then another spot, but it didn’t feel right either.
Over and over he tried, but nothing felt right.
After awhile, he began to over-think and worry that he was going fail, and that he didn’t have what it takes to do the assignment the way it was supposed to be done.
Then after another while, he got so frazzled and tired, he decided he didn’t even give a flying fuck where his spot was.
At this point, his spiritual teacher stopped the lesson. And he said something like: “I am now going to tell you which spot was the right spot. Can you guess?”
“No,” the young man said, despondently.
“The right spot, is whichever spot you deliberately choose. And the reason this is the right spot right now, is simply bc you are making this choice right now.
“You see, whichever choice you make is the choice you make. And, by committing to this choice right now, you are committing to whatever consequences there may be.
“And bc of this commitment to your choice, you will find empowerment in your choice. Even if you have anxiety in the background, if you anchor to your commitment instead of to your anxiety, you will stay grounded instead of feeling flustered and unsure.
“So, if you pick the spot by the door, then you make that spot yours. And if the ceiling falls on your head, then it is what it is, and you have more information to make a more informed choice later.
“But, if you keep trying different spots, again and again, wandering around and around in your life like a deranged chicken, trying to figure out which is the “right” choice, you will never make any deliberate choice.
“You will be like a little leaf blown by circumstances—whooshing up into the air with every strong gust, and then settling back into stability once fair weather returns—always nervous of what’s to come and wondering what you did wrong whenever the wind blows.”
The gist of this story really stuck with me. Of course, I’m still a deranged chicken from time to time. But it does give me a lot of relief to remember that the choice I make right now is the right choice for me right now, until I have more information or more experience or some new opportunity that gives me more options for new choices to make later.