A conversation at 2am with the wiser part of myself…
You hear me now? How calm I am?
Yes.
Well, I’m not like that with my son lately. I get so mad at him and I lash out and the worst part, I feel so justified.
Well, you are justified.
What?!
Seeing him, seeing the way he behaves, of course you feel justified with the reaction you’re having.
So what do I do?
See him differently. When you’re seeing him as a difficult, mean, ungrateful child, of course you’re going to lash out. Because you need to stop that kind of behavior. Immediately. But if you were to see him as a kid, relatively new at life, not knowing how to manage his energy, not knowing what to do with his sadness, his discomfort, not knowing how to manage his friends’ behavior which can be so hurtful, all while he’s being asked to complete tasks he’s having lots of difficulties complying with... If you saw him as someone struggling, who would you want to be with him?
That breaks my heart. You’re so right. I’d want to be gentle. I’d want to know more. I’d want to make sure he knew I accepted and loved him no matter what. I’d want to tell him he’s not alone.
Yes.
But how do I change my lens?
Ahh. Now that’s the trick—how to keep those empathy lenses at arms length so you remember they’re there, before you grab those other lenses that see everything wrong and out of control, those lenses that tell you you’d better fix this problem right now, or else.
Yeah. So how do I do this?
You start with yourself.
Myself?
When you’re wearing those lenses that see everything wrong... guess who you’re seeing first?
Who?
Yourself. Let’s do the test. When he’s behaving in those ways, what do you make it mean about yourself?
That I’m a bad mom. That my father wouldn’t approve. That no one “successful” would approve. That I don’t want to fail as a mom. But that I’m failing. And that I better fix the situation and make things different right now, or else.
Yep. And where do these beliefs come from?
Where?
They come from all the times someone saw your “bad” behavior and wore their “something’s wrong“ lenses instead of their empathy lenses.
You’re treating your son the same way you were treated.
That makes me hate myself.
But that’s more of the same toxic belief system. Bc how can you connect with your son through empathy when you hate yourself?
Not very well.
That’s right. To shift to wearing empathy lenses with your kid, you have to see yourself through them first. Try it.
Ok. Through my empathy lenses, I see that I’m trying really, really hard to do the right thing. I see that I’ve been really worried about the future. I see myself not wanting my son to have a rough time like I did. And on top of that, I see I haven’t been feeling great physically. That I don’t have much support. And yet, I see how I never give up. And you know, I also see that I’m growing so much. Becoming aware of so much more than I ever have. I see how my son is my whole world and how I’m damn proud of who he is and you know what? I’m damn proud of who I am too. Look what I’ve been through and yet I’m still here improving things, trying to create new things and also appreciating more and more what’s already here.
Beautiful. Now look at your son through those lenses.
Yes. I get it now. He’s been through a lot too. And he never gives up either on what matters to him. And I see him sharing himself in new ways and trying things out in new ways and figuring out who he is and who others are in relationship to him.
Yes.
It feels a lot better to see myself and my son through empathy lenses.
Of course it does. And here’s the thing—when you keep practicing and getting used seeing yourself and your son through those empathy lenses, seeing through those harsher lenses will start to feel pretty icky. And it’s that icky feeling that will be your reminder to shift lenses. Because you’ll grow less tolerant of it. Bc you’ll remember how much more expansive and fulfilling the feeling of acceptance is. And you’ll remember, without any doubt, that you don’t deserve to be punished for being human. And neither does your son. You both deserve peace.
Thank you.
You don’t need to be perfect. Just keep practicing. I believe in you.
-JLK
