The Icky Blueberry or, How To Find Out More About What's Really Bothering You

Welcome to What’s Your Upset…
What’s you’re upset? You’re on the air!

Hi. I just had a big drama with my mother.

Uh huh. What happened?

Well, I found an icky blueberry in my bowl and I threw it across the room and it accidentally hit her in the face.

I’m sorry to laugh. It’s really not funny.

My mom didn’t think it was funny either.

I bet not. So, uh, why the big upset over an icky blueberry?

Because it was disgusting.

So you chucked it across the room?

Yeah. I didn’t want it near me.

Did you feel it was an emergency situation?

It WAS an emergency situation!

I see... uh... mind if I do a test?

What kind of test. I hate tests.

It’s a test to help a person decide if something’s an emergency or not.

I guess. Fine.

So, I’m going to do what I usually do in an emergency, and then you tell me if it sounds like the right thing to do.

Ok.

Hold on. I’m just going to dial 911...

What?!

911 operator: What’s your emergency?

Please! hurry! I’ve had an icky blueberry!

911 operator: One moment please...

Did you really just call 911?!?

What if I really did?
What do you think would happen?

I don’t know.

Maybe they’d think I was someone making a nuisance of myself, or, they might think I’m someone having a much bigger problem than just an icky blueberry.

I guess an icky blueberry isn’t really an emergency after all.

Well, that’s not exactly the point I’m trying to get at. What if you ARE having a problem and you DO need support, but what if the problem isn’t really about an icky blueberry?

Well, what kind of problem would it be, then?

Well, that’s the work we need to do, to solve this mystery on our hands. The mystery of: What’s underneath the upset of the icky blueberry. Wanna find out?

I guess.

See, I have a feeling the icky blueberry stands for something that really does feel like an emergency to you.

Well, how do I find that out what?

Well, you’ll need to investigate, by going into the only territory in the whole world that has this information: inside of yourself, at the root of your upset. Once you’re inside yourself, you simply have to go toward the part of yourself that’s upset and ask it for more information, about why it’s so upset.

No way.

What do you mean no way? Why not? Have you ever gone inside of yourself to find out how you’re feeling?

I don’t like to feel stuff that upsets me. No way.

Well, what do you do when you’re upset?

I don’t know. Sometimes I yell it out. Or I throw stuff. But my favorite thing to do when I’m upset is to watch a show or play my game or eat something yummy.

Yeah. I hear you. Those are wonderful ways to make yourself feel better. I like doing those things too. But I have a question.

What.

What if you were walking down the street and you saw an upset little boy crying? Would you keep on walking, because it was too upsetting?Or would you ask the boy if he needed help?

I’d probably stop and see what the trouble was. Maybe see if he needed a hug.

That’s very nice. So, then why wouldn’t you do the same thing for your own self? Why would you walk away from your own upset, instead of stopping what you’re doing to check in to see what the trouble is?

Good point.

Checking in with yourself to see if you need any support is one way to be a good friend to yourself.

I never thought of it like that.

Yeah neither did I. How are we supposed to know stuff like this if no one teaches us?

People get mad at me a lot when I’m upset. In fact people walk away from me a lot when I’m upset. Or they tell me to stop.

I get that. That happens to a lot of us. And then that’s what we learn to do to ourselves. When other people give us the impression that our upsets are too much to deal with, or that they don’t matter, we wind up walking away from them too.

Yeah, and then we get more upset, which only adds to the upset we already had!

You’re really smart to realize that.

Thanks.

It gets heavy, carrying around a bunch of upsets though.

I guess it does.

Even if we try to make ourselves feel better by eating or watching shows, those upsets still stay upset. They’re still right there inside of us, even if we’re not giving them our attention.

So maybe… when I exploded over that icky blueberry… it was because every upset inside of me that was still upset, got all upset together.

Yeah. That’s really wise. I bet you’re right. When we’re filled up with a bunch of unresolved upsets, it can feel like we’re a walking volcano, ready to erupt at any moment.

But I still don’t know how to find out what I’m upset about.

Well now that you know your feelings matter, wanna go inside yourself and ask? Your upsets probably have just the answers you’re looking for.

Ok. Hold on… So I just went a little closer to my upset and I think I heard it say that it gets upset every time I’m told to calm down.

Yeah. I get that. It’s really frustrating when someone says that to me too. Like they don’t think my upset matters. Like they just want it to go away.

Yeah. Wait… I heard something else.

What?

I think the icky blueberry reminded me of all the things people keep giving me that I don’t want to deal with. Like pencils and assignments and socks and shoes. Things that hurt and make me feel awful. And even sick to my stomach.

Do people give you these kinds of things to deal with every day?

All day long! At least that’s what it feels like. And I’m sick of it!

Well that explains why it feels like an emergency. When people are constantly expecting things of you that you can’t deliver, that must be really painful.

It is. REALLY painful. And then I feel like I’m not good enough. And that people don’t love me as much as they would if I could do all those things. And I just want to be left alone in peace.

You sure have a lot of good observations.

Thanks.

I used to be in emergency mode a lot too. Pretty much every time someone asked me to do school. When it was time to sit at a desk, I would panic and run around like I was on fire because sitting at a desk was literal torture for me. It’s hard when people ask you to do things all the time that you really don’t want to do. It makes sense that they all feel like an icky blueberry.

You really do understand.

I do. But you know what?

What.

Now that you’re able to identify what doesn’t feel good to you, you can actually communicate this, so that others can help you solve the problem.
See, when you understand what’s upsetting, and you communicate—not only to be HEARD by yelling and chucking a blueberry across the room—but communicating to be UNDERSTOOD by letting a grown up know WHY you’re feeling overwhelmed—then, you and the grown up have the information you both need to solve the problem together.
When you know your feelings matter and you can communicate what they are, then other people will understand why they matter.

Is that what you did?

Yes! After I went inside myself and asked the upset parts of myself what was wrong, I told the upset parts of myself that I was going to be brave and talk with my mom about it. So I told my mom that all her expectations were causing me a lot of stress. And so were the sounds of chewing, the bright lights at my school, my socks, AND her reactions to all of my upsets. And it turned out she had no idea.
In fact, it turned out she wasn’t very good at understanding her own upsets either.
And, I found out that she wasn’t even really mad at me like I thought she was. She just wanted me to have the skills to push through all this stuff because in her mind, these were the kinds of skills I needed so that I could get what I want in life, and be independent and successful.

Wow. So you guys actually got to understand each other?

Yeah, and we decided that together we could change a few things. Like, modify the expectations so they would be easier.
We realized I could do school in a rocking chair instead of the chair that always felt like my enemy.
And we decided that I could type on a keyboard instead of writing with the pencil that always made my hand felt like it was literally dying.
And she also let me do more of what I wanted to do. Like play my video games.
They still weren’t my favorite things, but life definitely didn’t feel like an emergency anymore.

But that’s the thing... I just don’t get why, if it’s my life, I have to do what I don’t want to do?

That’s a really good question. I think... it’s because on this planet, everything that grows has to push through. Look at the seed in the ground. Even that little seed has to push through before it can grow and blossom. And same goes for all of us.
My mom said that when she went into labor with me, it was so much work to push me out, she told the doctors, “You know what, I’m gonna go home and deal with this tomorrow,” and they said, “Nope. You can’t back-burner this one, Lady. You’ve gotta push through, right now.”
And she did. (With the help of an epidural.) And I was born. And it was the best day of her life.

Wow.

See? Life is designed to make sure that everyone gets to grow stronger and find their best self by pushing through. Because what happens when you get through, is you realize you can do it. And that feels good.
Now, that doesn’t mean you have to push through to tolerate problems that are toxic to you. In that case, it means you push through to figure out how to communicate what’s unhealthy to you, so that you and the people around you can be flexible and come up with healthier alternatives.

I like that.

I do too. You have a right to push through things that you WANT to give birth to. When all we’re asked to push through, are things we don’t want to, that’s not ok. So as important as it is to know what you don’t like, it’s maybe even more important to know what you DO like.

But how do I find out what I do like?

The same way. You go inside yourself and pay attention to what lights you up—to what brings you joy!
These are your interests—the things that give your life meaning.
And when you discover what these things are, you can choose things to do that match your interests. And these choices will lead to a future that’s fulfilling to you.

I want a future that’s fulfilling.

Of course you do. We all do. So keep going inward, keep checking in with yourself, and you’ll start learning more about what you don’t like and what you do like; what gives you peace and what causes you stress.
That’s how we learn to understand ourselves and what our problems are, and it’s also how we begin to trust ourselves to solve our problems.
When you know you matter, you’ll honor the things that matter to you. And you’ll take the time to discover the things that bring you joy, things that you’re worth pushing through for.

Thanks. I actually feel pretty good now.

Yeah, me too.

And that concludes another episode of… What’s Your Upset. See you next time!

-JLK