How To Connect When You're Having Trouble Connecting

Once there was a mother and a son who were having trouble connecting.

They used to connect all the time. I mean that’s ALL they did. But then little things started getting in their way. And those little things stacked up, like a wall between them.

It used to be they would play all day. On the floor with trains or Legos. They’d make up stories that lasted hours, sometimes even days. 

The mother was tired. But her boy meant everything to her, so when he wanted to connect, she was pretty good at pretending she was wide awake.

But then she stopped being good at pretending.

She’d fallen behind in her work and the world entered a pandemic. And she began to worry more than even usual about her son’s health and his education.

And what little energy she had left, she used for feeling badly for being so tired and worried. 

Sometimes she’d forget to make sure her son did important things like homework and exercise. 

And she’d walk over in a frenzy, not to connect like they used to, but only to ask if he’d completed those tasks and why not. Which only annoyed him more and the wall between them grew.

Sometimes the mom tried pretending there wasn’t a wall. Instead of addressing the times she sounded so stern, or the times he shouted back, she acted like everything was fine, which only confused the boy because he didn’t want to pretend anything.

And the wall grew higher.

Before long, the boy just wanted to be left alone behind this wall.

Besides, he’d figured out lots of wonderful new things to do there. He met friends online and they never grew tired of being with each other.

And the mom knew this was a good thing.

She knew in her heart that the wall was also a form of communication, a boundary that told her he needed time to figure out who he wanted to be as he took more steps out into the world. 

And so the mom retreated and took more steps deeper into her own world.

And the wall continued to grow.

Both the mom and the son wished there wasn’t this wall between them, but they didn’t know how to make it go away.

When something is in the way in real life, it’s pretty easy to figure out how to move it. But when something is in the way of connecting with someone you love, it’s a bit harder to get it out of the way. 

Because each brick that keeps us from connecting is an upset that was never resolved. And in order to get it out of the way, it has to be acknowledged. By both people. 

What felt rejected needs to be reflected. And as easy as this may sound, it can be very hard to do.

One evening, the mom was doing her work when the boy peered over the wall, but this time, the mom noticed and immediately stopped what she was doing. 

“Wanna see this volcano I built?” he asked.

“Of course I do!”

The mom pulled up a chair to her son’s computer and listened as he shared. It was a wonderful moment. But she could still feel the bricks in the way. So she mustered up some courage and said, “I’m sorry things have been so difficult between us.”

The boy was silent.

“No matter what, though, I want you to know that I’m always here for you.”

This time the boy decided to get one of his bricks out of the way.

“Well, it doesn’t feel like you’re here a lot. I used to try to connect with you but you were always too busy. So I just gave up.”

The mom’s heart ached. “I hear what you’re saying. But look—you found so many things to do, all on your own! And now you have so many friends!”

The boy looked down. “But you upset me. I wish you would hear me when I tell you that you upset me instead of always looking on the bright side.”

The mom sighed. “I get that. Sometimes I think I defend myself because it’s so awful to think I might have disappointed you. It’s really hard for me to accept that.

“But the thing that disappoints me is when you don’t listen to my upsets. Then I don’t want to connect with you because it feels like you don’t even care.”

“That makes sense.”

“And it also disappoints me when you sound so harsh sometimes.”

“I don’t like the sound of my voice when I’m harsh either.”

“It’s just that one moment you’re all relaxed, and the next you’re running over all panicked that I’m behind in school.” 

“I hear you. When I start worrying about your future, I feel like I have to run over to make sure you’re not falling behind.”

“Well, it makes me feel constantly on guard because I never know when you’re gonna just rush in to criticize me.”

“I get that. But there ARE skills I want you to have.”

“Yeah, but when you get so upset about it, all I wanna do is get away from you and the skills you want me to have.”

“I think I understand why I do that. I grew up with people who used to scare me into getting things done. But I know that’s not a very nurturing way to motivate you. Sometimes I forget that connecting without stress is more important than demanding that things get done.”

“The thing is, when you keep telling me I should be doing the thing I’m not doing, it makes me feel like what I’m already doing isn’t important. But I am doing important things and I am learning!”

“I know you are. And I’m proud of you.”

“You are?”

“Of course I am. I value what you do. It’s just hard for me to figure out how to enroll you in other things.”

“Well maybe you could try to be a little more patient. And learn a little more about what I’m interested in.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been willing to listen. And you’re right. I haven’t been available to see your perspective. Thank you for sharing these things with me. I’m proud of you for being able to communicate them.”

“Thank you, mama. And I’m sorry too. For being harsh with you sometimes. Wanna do a start-over?”

“I’d love that.

After the mom and her son shared all of their upsets, enough bricks were removed for them to finally be together in the same space.

And from there, they realized that connecting didn’t have to be fancy. It didn’t need to take a long time. They didn’t need to hook up to some special connecting machine, or travel someplace known for great connections, or make an appointment with a connection specialist.

Once the wall was dismantled, what they did or said wasn’t even important. Whether they talked about cats or sadness or weather or broken toasters, the language of connection always translated into the same thing: I like this time we’re sharing together.

Life isn’t neat and tidy. We each have different feelings at the same time.

But if a wall has built up between you and someone you love, instead of pretending it’s not there, you can dismantle it, brick by brick, upset by upset, by having the courage to communicate honestly about what’s in the way.

-JLK