When I’m on the receiving end of someone’s reactive behavior, instead of internalizing what they’ve said and making it mean something negative about who I am and who they are, I try to remember: this person may have gotten triggered by something I said or did that reminded them of something toxic from their past.
And even though they may be standing right there in front of me, lashing out, they may be protecting themselves without recognizing that they’ve slipped into a portal to their past.
But before I also get reactive, I try to pause and check in with myself to see if I’m also being triggered by my own unresolved upsets from my own past.
And if this is the case, instead of also entering my own portal, I try to see if I can find a bit of compassion for the both of us, and say something validating. Something like, “You know what, if I said anything to upset you, please accept my apology.”
The times I’ve taken this route (and believe me, I’ve tried many other routes) I have watched the other person’s demeanor change, as if they’ve left their past and returned to the present moment with a look of relief, along with their own apology. Which, to me, is something much more pleasant to internalize and carry around.
-JLK
