A piece about shifting one’s focus away from working things out with one’s partner or not working things out with one’s partner and instead focusing on the relationship with oneself:
So many people in relationships are reactive. And they can’t seem to work it out. But they stay together anyhow.
Sometimes I wonder if what’s going on can be cleared up with a little reframing.
Chances are if you’re having the same upsets and triggers over and over again, your partner is triggering your past unresolved trauma. And you’re triggering theirs.
So you’re not really fighting with each other. You’re fighting to be valued and you’re fighting for your dignity from a time in your life where you felt disrespected and invisible.
Your trauma and your partner’s trauma literally get mortised together to create its own trauma. But even so, it’s based on the circumstances from your own separate pasts.
The only solution I can think of reminds me of that old Buddhist parable: A father and his daughter were in the circus doing a trapeze act and they were both so worried about the other slipping and dying that they couldn’t feel at ease performing.
Of course the marriage/partnership situation is a bit different bc both people are worried the other person is trying to ruin the other’s life lol, but I think the words of the wise person that the father and his daughter sought guidance from applies to both:
You each have to take care of yourselves. Not each other. Only then can you have enough clarity and autonomy to perform at ease.
And in the context of a marriage/partnership: You have to heal yourself. It is literally impossible to heal your partner. In fact trying to do so will only further damage you both.
And so I think what even the most tumultuous relationships might benefit from is this: a deliberate agreement between each other that states—“If I am triggered, I will say nothing to my partner. Not a word. Instead, I will immediately go inside myself and self-soothe and work it out with myself.” And vice-versa.
You cannot work out a past trigger with someone who wasn’t even present in those old scenes. That trauma is for you to work out with yourself. And the same goes with the other person.
Both people can still express themselves and their needs, but not their triggers.
And if you’re not sure about the distinction, you can feel the difference. A need is: I need help with the dishes. A trigger is: They never support me. I’m all alone here.
A need is: Ok. I will do the dishes. I have to finish a few things first. A trigger is: All they do is demand things of me. I’m not appreciated.
A need is present time. A trigger has the emotional artillery behind it from decades past.
This technique isn’t to save your relationship with your partner. It’s to save your relationship with yourself.
Because feeling safe and autonomous in your own body is what’s necessary for you to enjoy your life.
And the added bonus is: If you can both do the work to practice being autonomous, then you may just find out what happens when you’re both autonomous together in the same room—you’re available in present time to enjoy the space you’re both inhabiting together.
When you stop investing all your energy into trying to turn another person into who you wish they would be for you, you can use that energy to invest in something that’s much more based in reality. And that is to invest in the relationship with the only person who you can change—yourself.
-JLK
